Of discipline and guilt...

I lost it with Gab again this morning. In all fairness to me, i have been patient with him for months now. But still, im beating myself up again because as usual when i get mad, i yelled and i said things and i may have even hurt him when i grabbed his arm. Bad, bad Nanay. (madaming-madaming iyak)

I talked to him when  i calmed down. I apologized, my method was wrong. And as always, he hugged me and said it was okay.

My Gab, my kids - they're just so forgiving. Even when i screw up so many times, they're just going to look past it, give me the sweetest hugs&kisses. I treasure these hugs&kisses, these are what makes me going. I just wish i don't screw up a lot...

How Can I Pray

As I was trying to organize my files - this is what i do when things get hectic and stressful to make things easier to search and hopefully to declutter/sectionalize my mind - i came across this document that i saved for supposedly an everyday reading. The discovery is really quite timely, reminding me to refocus and digest all these that I'm doing. It's a wonderful habit to form and i hope He gives me faith and guidance to sustain this :)

 

How Can I Pray? 

A great way to pray is to look for God’s presence in your life. More than 400 years ago St. Ignatius Loyola encouraged prayer-filled mindfulness by proposing what has been called the Daily Examen. The Examen is a technique of prayerful reflection on the events of the day in order to detect God’s presence and to discern his direction for us. Try this version of St. Ignatius’s prayer.

1. Become aware of God’s presence. Look back on the events of the day in the company of the Holy Spirit. The day may seem confusing to you—a blur, a jumble, a muddle. Ask God to bring clarity and understanding.

2. Review the day with gratitude. Gratitude is the foundation of our relationship with God. Walk through your day in the presence of God and note its joys and delights. Focus on the day’s gifts. Look at the work you did, the people you interacted with. What did you receive from these people? What did you give them? Pay attention to small things—the food you ate, the sights you saw, and other seemingly small pleasures. God is in the details.

3. Pay attention to your emotions. One of St. Ignatius’s great insights was that we detect the presence of the Spirit of God in the movements of our emotions. Reflect on the feelings you experienced during the day. Boredom? Elation? Resentment? Compassion? Anger? Confidence? What is God saying through these feelings?

God will most likely show you some ways that you fell short. Make note of these sins and faults. But look deeply for other implications. Does a feeling of frustration perhaps mean that God wants you consider a new direction in some area of your work? Are you concerned about a friend? Perhaps you should reach out to her in some way.

4. Choose one feature of the day and pray from it. Ask the Holy Spirit to direct you to something during the day that God thinks is particularly important. It may involve a feeling—positive or negative. It may be a significant encounter with another person or a vivid moment of pleasure or peace. Or it may be something that seems rather insignificant. Look at it. Pray about it. Allow the prayer to arise spontaneously from your heart—whether intercession, praise, repentance, or gratitude.

5. Look toward tomorrow. Ask God to give you light for tomorrow’s challenges. Pay attention to the feelings that surface as you survey what’s coming up. Are you doubtful? Cheerful? Apprehensive? Full of delighted anticipation? Allow these feelings to turn into prayer. Seek God’s guidance. Ask him for help and understanding. Pray for hope.

St. Ignatius encouraged people to talk to Jesus like a friend. End the Daily Examen with a conversation with Jesus. Ask forgiveness for your sins. Ask for his protection and help. Ask for his wisdom about the questions you have and the problems you face. Do all this in the spirit of gratitude. Your life is a gift, and it is adorned with gifts from God. End the Daily Examen with the Our Father.

Ring

Being the burara that i am, i lost a lot of stuff before. And although i am very sentimental, I so dislike that dismal feeling, the regret, that I have always preferred to accept the loss, forget about it and move on.

Until now, when I have lost my wedding ring.

It was a Wednesday when i removed both my engagement and wedding rings as well as my wristwatch to play badminton. They're a bit big since i've lost a little weight, i didn't want them flying right off my finger. i should have left them on :( Thursday, as i prepare to go to work and reached for them inside my bag pocket - i only got my wristwatch and my engagement ring. Right away a cold, clammy feeling of unease settles in my stomach. I searched my bags but nothing. I immediately told Chard. I know he was pissed but he kept mum about it. I didn't want to make a big deal out of it.I hushed myself with the thought that it will turn up eventually.

It's been over a month now. Still no sign of it. It's slowly dawning on me that it's gone. possibly forever. (and this makes me cry as i type it) :-(( As i look at my engagement ring so alone and so lonely on my finger - i feel heavy and drawn. I want my ring back! Never mind the monetary value, it's our wedding ring. i love its simplicity, its rusticness - the story behind it... I want it back!

14 years, baby!

Today is our 14th year anniversary as boyfriend/gilfriend. 14 years! And in 3 days, it's gonna be our 6th year as husband and wife.

Wow! Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Richard Pang! More so, congratulations, Chari Tumapang-Pang! Despite all the things that happened - lahat ng kagagahan at katangahan at ka-ewanan mo, andami nun! -  at the end of it all, you made the bestest decision of marrying the one who turned out to be the best man for you.

Ang galing-galing talaga ni Lord! He knows what's/who's best for you! Thank you for giving Chard to me. Cliche, cheesy, but really, i don't know now how i'm gonna live without him. Thank You!

To you, Mr. Pang: I.love.you. and and i am thankful for you everyday. Thank you for everyday. I know it's very difficult at times (if not most of the time), please never get tired of loving me.

I'm one happy nanay!

When I read behavior economist Daniel Kahneman’s research about parents being less happy than non-parents, I was like ‘weeeeh, di nga?!’

“He and his team surveyed 909 working Texas women and found that child care ranked sixteenth in pleasurability out of nineteen activities. Among the things these women preferred were preparing food, watching TV, exercising, talking on the phone, napping, shopping and housework.”

Wuuut? House chores - vacuuming clocked in higher than taking care of the kids? weeeehh? This can’t be true!

But this result has also been seen in other research, some in more positive light like kids do not make their parents happier. 

“We assume that children will improve our happiness. That's why babies are called bundles of joy. But what's so interesting is that one of the most robust findings in the social sciences - and it's been this way for about 50 years - is that children do not improve their parents' happiness. In general, they have a net effect of either zero or they slightly compromise their parents' happiness. There are exceptions but overall the effect is zero to a slight negative.”

I’m still, NO! I’m at my happiest when I had Gab and Soleil. That’s absurd. Does that mean I’m an exception? Absurd. Then I wondered, with the numerous studies conducted, and with similar results, then there must be some truth to it, right? They can’t be all wrong? But how come I strongly feel, it’s not right?! And I’m pretty sure (pretty and sure :D) I’m not the only one. 

Now, I’m certain.

Enter JENNIFER SENIOR with her book ‘All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood’ to untangle that paradox. 

She spent time observing parents interacting with their children and each other, and she went through scads of research studies about parental happiness. She came up to the conclusion that, what those research data are leaving out is  ... *insert drumroll here* … joy! Yep, J-O-Y! Joy is indistinguishable from other kind of pleasant feelings, she says. When you’re happy, you just give it a five, for a scale of 0-5. But when you experience joy? It really goes up to .. uhm.. 11? It’s a different category of experience. 

The 5 I give for getting a good laugh from a joke and the 5 I give when I see Soleil mimicking me when I hush our dog Raffy, is totally NOT THE SAME! But with these data, they numerically translate to the same thing. Hence, the conclusion. HAH! So NOT!

This explains why despite the woes of parenting, folks would still want another child :D

I only read the synopsis and there’s another thing that she tackled in the book: the gender difference in parenting. I can so relate! I’m gonna get myself a copy, but before that I’ll be saying this new mantra to myself, ‘when it comes to my kids, I Am The Standard’!

Garage sale, anyone?

Sooooo, the rich and the famous are throwing a garage sale this weekend. Saw some stuff posted by Daph (Daphne Osena-Paez for those not alta like us, BWAHAHAHAHA!)  here and i really wanna go! Forbes park nga lang, so faraway from my equally alta place, Farview! I know i can't kaladkad the hubs to go there, he's literally scared of meketi (dun nga ba yun?) :( Also, we have a ton of things to do this Saturday.. Kaya Chari, priorities! But Hermes ties for P500? Kamown! I can almost hear Chard saying, 'aanhin mo yan?' :-))

Self-righteous is me!

I have a lot of flaws. A lot. and being self-righteous is just one of them. i often joke about being one but really, i am self-righteous.

case in point:
 M was making kwento about her online boyfriend. How he's crazy about her and the stuff she tells her. I can feel how kilig she is, but i can't get myself to be happy for her. Why? Because she is married, with a son, and as far as i know, they (she and hubby) are okay. So that means, whatever is going with her and that guy is... wrong.

HAHAHA! ANG LINIS KO! (pwede nang pumunas ng puting panyo)


So rather than beating myself up, and since it's the new year, I'll just try to work on this. As they say, recognizing/accepting is the first step. so, i'm on my way there. but darn, tis hard!

i.am.almost.awesome.